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JANE MOORE

If the wedding rings have to be sanitised, sex must be a no-no with the Government’s laughably clueless rules

GIVEN the newly released rules on “Covid-secure” weddings, I suppose sex is out of the question?

After all, if the bride and groom’s, ahem, rings have to be disinfected before the ceremony, the exchange of bodily fluids after a few post-nuptial Negronis would surely be a blatant transgression of paragraph one, section four of the Government’s laughably clueless list of what you can and can’t do on your now-not-very-big day.

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If the bride and groom’s rings have to be disinfected before the ceremony, surely post-nuptial sex is a blatant transgression of the Government's laughably clueless quarantine rules
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If the bride and groom’s rings have to be disinfected before the ceremony, surely post-nuptial sex is a blatant transgression of the Government's laughably clueless quarantine rulesCredit: Getty Images - Getty

It wouldn’t be any more nonsensical than what they’ve officially come up with.

First of all, fathers can’t link arms with their daughters down the aisle unless they’re from the same household or social bubble.

Spit along to the Sex Pistols

But they can stand cheek by jowl at the Nike Town sale and no one in authority bats an eyelid.

Receptions are “discouraged” but if you absolutely insist on celebrating your big day with loved ones, you selfish thing, then you can have up to six people outdoors or two combined households inside.

But if all of you then want to mingle with thousands of others at a protest rally in a nearby city centre, then the police won’t bother you. They might even join in the dancing themselves.

In addition, no choirs or hymns are allowed because live singing could spread the virus and although recorded music is permitted, it should only be played quietly. Er, why?

Do they suspect the congregation is going to spit along to ditties by those well-known wedding favourites the Sex Pistols or The Prodigy? Risible.

There are several other equally restrictive rules which are all illogical when you consider the teen raves and mass gatherings in parks across the country each weekend.

Those who suffer the consequence of this 'make it up as you go along' governance are the thousands of couples who will no doubt end up postponing their nuptials
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Those who suffer the consequence of this 'make it up as you go along' governance are the thousands of couples who will no doubt end up postponing their nuptialsCredit: AFP or licensors

But because weddings are official events, they’re something the Government can be seen to control.

So, just like the equally dumb quarantine rules that mean you get off a plane and hop on a packed bus or train before then having to self-isolate, the PM and his advisers felt they had to come up with something that makes it look like they know what they’re doing.

When we all know that they don’t.

And sadly, those who suffer the consequence of this “make it up as you go along” governance are the thousands of couples who will no doubt end up postponing their nuptials rather than go ahead with an event so heavily sanitised that the age-old tradition of a bridesmaid copping off with the best man might result in arrest.

On the partial easing of lockdown, Boris Johnson said last week: “Our principle is to trust the British public to use their common sense in the full knowledge of the risks, remembering that the more we open up, the more vigilant we will need to be.”

What a pity he didn’t extend that trust to those getting married.

Dream on, Priti

HOME Secretary Priti Patel has told European countries to do “much more” to stop asylum seekers reaching Britain.

Dream on. They didn’t do it before Brexit, so now they’re probably loading up the boats themselves and giving them a helping shove.

Lusting after Paul is Normal, Maura

Love Island's Maura Higgins is binge-watching hit series Normal People
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Love Island's Maura Higgins is binge-watching hit series Normal PeopleCredit: Rex Features
And like most women, she’s declared lead actor Paul Mescal to be 'fit'
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And like most women, she’s declared lead actor Paul Mescal to be 'fit' Credit: Kevin Dunnett

THE admirably incorrigible Maura Higgins has finally got round to binge-watching hit BBC Three series Normal People.

And now, like a significant slice of the female population, she’s declared lead actor Paul Mescal to be “fit” and has him set in her laser-like sights.

Which means, as any Love Island aficionado will tell you, he’s a lamb to her slaughter.

Good job he’s a fast runner.

French bliss on Le Cheap

The price of property has dropped so much that you can get a shabby mansion for just £325,000, it just doesn't come with Dick and Angel Strawbridge
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The price of property has dropped so much that you can get a shabby mansion for just £325,000, it just doesn't come with Dick and Angel Strawbridge

THE price of property in France has plummeted because of the pandemic.

Meaning all those shabby mansions we covet after watching Channel 4’s superbly addictive Escape To The Chateau are now even cheaper.

One, in western France, comes with 13 acres of land, stables, numerous outbuildings and a million bedrooms . . . for just £325,000.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t also come with the delightful ETTC star Dick Strawbridge who manages, when wife Angel says, “I want a window seat/spit roaster/helter-skelter/turret with a lift in it”, to build it out of virtually nothing in about three minutes.

So, as I’m married to a man whose mantra is, “If you want something done, pay someone else to do it”, it would be a draining money pit and we’re best staying put.

And then there was one

COLEEN ROONEY is determined to win her legal fight with Rebekah Vardy, who is equally determined to do the same.

Meaning there will be just one winner: Their vastly expensive lawyers.

'Glasto' really a fiasco

I can still remember Van Morrison turning up to my first Glastonbury festival in 1982 when U2 called it off
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I can still remember Van Morrison turning up to my first Glastonbury festival in 1982 when U2 called it off Credit: Rex Features

WITH this year’s Glastonbury Festival off because of coronavirus, the BBC has been reliving some of the highlights over the years.

The first and only time I went was 1982 when it was called Glastonbury CND, the ticket cost £8, the crowd was 25,000 and U2 didn’t turn up.

But thankfully, Sad Cafe, Van Morrison, Aswad and Jackson Browne all did.

It chucked it down all day on the Friday, so the site was a treacherous mudbath and the toilets weren’t much more than holes in the ground with a raggedy piece of hessian for supposed privacy.

Even at 20, the novelty wore off pretty quickly for me.

So with tickets now priced at around £270, the crowd at 200,000 and an “us and them” divide in accommodation and facilities, something tells me most of the BBC pundits getting misty-eyed about “Glasto” are from London’s Notting Hill and usually stay in the VIP area with its luxuriously appointed Winnebagos, a spa and concierge service.

Olde but a goodie

Chef Tom Kerridge talked about his childhood, I still reminisce my first meal in a restaurant as a kid
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Chef Tom Kerridge talked about his childhood, I still reminisce my first meal in a restaurant as a kid Credit: Getty Images - Getty

CHEF Tom Kerridge has been reminiscing about his childhood and, in particular, going to Harvester and Berni Inn with his mum.

Me too. When I scraped a couple of O-levels, my mum took me for my first dinner in a restaurant.

It was a Berni Inn, The Olde Rectifying House, in Worcester, and I had prawn cocktail to start, scampi and chips in a plastic “basket”, a slice of black forest gateau and an Irish coffee. Heaven.

Despite having dined in some fine restaurants since, it’s still the meal I remember most vividly.

Gregg's pub fun

MASTERCHEF judge Gregg Wallace says: “Happy men are not in the pub, laughing. Happy men are at home with their wife.”

There’s a middle ground too. Sometimes they can be in the pub, laughing, with their wife.

What a break

Boris Johnson is right in saying low-risk kids must return to school in September, they would have been on a 'school break' for six months by then
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Boris Johnson is right in saying low-risk kids must return to school in September, they would have been on a 'school break' for six months by thenCredit: AFP or licensors

IN the next couple of weeks, schools across the country will “break up” for the summer holidays.

Factoring in around four months of lockdown, that means by September kids will have been off school for around six months.

Some will have received online learning but if my youngest’s experience is anything to go by, it’s no substitute for being taught in a classroom.

It gives much-needed structure, demands concentration and enables healthy, face-to-face debate with their peer group – not to mention vital socialisation which, in its absence, is being substituted for large, sometimes unruly, gatherings in parks.

So the PM is right when he says all low-risk pupils must return to school in September.

Anything less would be a betrayal of an entire generation.

Good plan, Nigella

Chef Nigella Lawson says she wants to minimise her socialising and maintain the 'solitude and silence' she has enjoyed in lockdown
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Chef Nigella Lawson says she wants to minimise her socialising and maintain the 'solitude and silence' she has enjoyed in lockdownCredit: Getty - Contributor

TELLY chef Nigella Lawson says she’s “gone feral” in isolation. Join the club, dear.

Particularly my feet, which are now resolutely refusing to occupy anything other than a roomy flip-flop.

Nigella adds that she is determined to maintain some of the “solitude and silence” she’s enjoyed in lockdown and, as restrictions ease, plans to keep her socialising down to two evenings a week, when she “will pretend to be a normal person”.

Sounds like a good plan.


Although I have missed seeing close friends, one of the joys of lockdown was seeing my ridiculously busy diary evaporate to nothing.

Former England cricket captain Sir Andrew Strauss, who lost his wife Ruth to cancer last year, says: “When you’re not rushing around, it makes you ask yourself, ‘How much of that rushing around was important?’”

Indeed it does. So don’t just watch that space. Hold on to it.

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